la la la la la la, la la la la la la... that was the theme music to the smurfs.

i like plaid in blues and greens best.
probably because those are my like favorite colors... and grey.
i really like grey.
oh, and slate blue.
i like slate blue because, it is like when grey smiles.

butterflies are my favorite bug.
they are just so damn pretty.
and they are strong and resourceful.

ive got a hug bowl of oatmeal.
its is yummy.

i have forgotten how to flirt.
i can't seem to figure it out.

i want five minutes of total honesty. the kind that doesn't spare feelings. the kind that doesn't leave out a damn detail. the kind that doesn't care how good of friends we are. i want five minutes of total brutal complete honesty.



i also want to continue pretending everything is okay.

I just really want to be home, or at least to feel at home. It looks like i am going to be spending christmas in the trailer with China. Nothing is really going according to plan. Nothing is good. I hate division.

someone basically told me the truth this week. and it hurt. and i hate it. and i know its not going to change. i wouldnt even know how to start. i dont care, either. thats the worst part. noting is going to change externally or internally. Im just here. at this awful juntion waiting for a train that isnt even scheduled for months.

I just want to be happy for about a minute.

its friday night. im laying in bed bored out of my head. i hate this.

fuck everything

What you can't see, is what I can't say.
You wouldn't want to hear it anyway.
I can never seem to articulate my exact emotions.
Its like there is a giant dam holding back this ocean of words, of emotions, of half formulated poetry...
I just can't seem to break through to access my own thoughts.
I hate this. I'm a writer for Fuck's sake. Why can't I tap into my own inspiration?
The will to speak hits me at some really bad times, too. The exact moment when it is so inapropriate, the concept is laughable.
I just don't know.

China Cat loves me and I love her.  We got a kitten. She is tiny and grey and adorable. She is just starting to eat real food. She is the best thing in my life right now. So long, I've been looking for something to care about and I've found it in this kitten.

Things are so dumb otherwise. Everyone seems to feel they can tell me what to do. People are always critisizing my music, my clothes, everything I do. I basically hate it. I don't say shit about anyone else's music. I don't care what they do. Why can't people just leave me alone and let me do my own thing. My room is my room. I like it messy. I like what I wear. I like the people I choose to be with. Why do people have to be involved in every choice I make?

Home kind of sucks right now. Its whatever I guess. (At the moment, China Cat is trying to be a necklace, which makes it a little hard to type.) Work is awful. My love life is all screwed up. Just another chapter in the fabulous life of Emily D'Itri. FUCK MY LIFE.

sad. just sad today.
been sad all weekend.
i am not a child. i am not irresponsible. i took are of myself on my own for so long. why dont people think i cant now?
ive always been ok on my own. friends are a nice comfort to have, but i can survive alone.

im watching wolverine origins.

can i please decide something for once?

chapters open and close at such awkward times. i know i am being stubborn. Ask me if i care? i am just so damn unhappy and i dont even know why. nothing goes in reverse and i dont expect it to, i just wish i could find a good moment and stay in it.
today was supposed to be an emily and megan day. :( whatever. it isnt the first time someone let me down, and i know it wont be the last. whatever. i wish there was something happening right now that i didnt hate. i kinda just want to chain smoke myself into oblivion. like it would matter. i suddenly feel like a six year old. i managed myself quite well all summer, thank you. why dont people think i can do it now? i can do things on my own, i just enjoy companionship. something i dont really seem to find all that often...
my name lies. emi is a toy. i just dont know how to fix it.

i like music. i think im just going to coccoon myself in music. coccoon myself in comforting sounds that give me a momentary false peace. coccoon myself in sharp sounds that scream what i cant articulate.

im just so tired of being this unhappy. i dont know what to do to fix it. honestly, i dont. 

maybe it is best that i'm alone today. i dont feel i would be good company for anyone.

basically, i hate work.  my job is retarded. i mean, im like really good at it, but that in itself is pathetic.

ive just been really homesick lately.

im just sad. ive been sad for weeks.

whatever, im just tired.


good night

WANTED:  a female who enjoys dancing, movies, cuddling, readings, smiling, comic books, and general merriment.

thats all

im home for a much needed break from the real world.
clarion is so weird. ive been so weird lately. what zack calls "crazy emotional" for the past month and a half. blah! its draining.
ive lost all the numbers in my cell phone so txting me wiht your name would be most helpful
7245444318 is still the way to get at me.

I really want to go to the Zoo!

so i've been home for a few days. i know remember why home sucks.
I hung out with Bri Lynn, Hannah and Cayden today. He is  such a cute bebe.
 Yesterday was spent with Brianna Berniece.
Megan is coming up tonight for the carnival and stuff.
I havent heard from Adam in weeks and that makes me a little on the sad side.
Zack is mad at me right now, but its okay, because I was equally mad at him. I'm over it now. I had enough time here to clear my head.

so im home for the fourth.
um... t.bell is boring at this point.
i got a tattoo on my foot, a butterfly in gray scale.
my personal life is in shambles. as usual. WHATEVER. im so over everything today

so life is looking up. i met a boy. a drummer. an adorable boy with eyes the color of the ocean. <3 i hung out with him for the past few days. i called off work with i ridiculous lie to spend the night with him. OMG! so worth it! His name is Adam.  he makes me smiles...


thats all

so like i dont have internet at home. 

i just typed a whole long entry and it got lost. so fuck it.


it boils down to this

when fire eyes cast down lover's glare on silly souls, i feel like im sitting at a grave stone

and NO, I'M NOT OKAY!

an update perhaps?

I am a taco bell employee.
I moved out of tridyke and into my new place with Meggles and Claire last Wednesday.
Im home for the weekend to get the rest of my stuff.
Thats all really.
I'm kind of boring.
I found the Hason poster that hung in my room when I was ten. I think I'll put it in my room at Chick House. It'll be classy.

so, i thought i should post while celebrating the holiday. i dont really have much to say. I'm moving in to a trailer soon with megan and claire. that will be fun. the keg on saturday night was pretty awesome. idk how all i feel about everything that happened, but its not worth regrets, ya know. i like this abba song. claire is on the phone, meg is beating the shit out of pappy with hulk hands and well he is doin the same to her. lol its been a good four twenty.

best easter ever!

i love my cousins. omg, we had such a crazy time with egg battles and whatnot. Egg battles got intense this year. I need to upload video, but i need some special time with youtube to make that happen. lol. Katrine is four and a half now and getting so big and articulate. I was very impressed by good her english and spanish has gotten (yay bilingual children). Gabriel and JoJo are two and oh they are just a delight. Gabriel was hardcore into golfing in the yard. LOL. Anna turns one on the fifteenth. She is a joy; the most pleasent and happy baby I've seen thus far. She was playing with me and smililng and she doesnt talk yet, but she was hollering up a storm of giggles. I love my babies.




( pics )</span>
Aaron and MaryAnn  
</div>
</span>

mom gave me a lovely lecture tonight about how lifestyle led to my being sick. she thinks I'm not getting better fast enough (at all) because I don't live right. I don't understand how those thoughts even make any coherent sense. *sigh* I'm just not feeling this town right now. 
I want to curse and hit things and chain smoke and drink my stress away.

one day pours into the next. Im not ever sure where i am or what day it is when i wake up anymore. I lost a contact this morning. so now im all squinty. Dad is coming to get me later. Meg is sleeping still. she needs it. I woke up at 7 and fought my mind so hard to get back to sleep. this town always amazes me. We have a meeting with Beth today. Im excited to see how this whole concept pans out. I really need a damn job. Thats all. I dont give a shit about finding anything else right now except a job. well, thats not entirely true, but the emphasis is there. I think Im gonna curl back up in the chair, smoke a C, and wait for Meg's to wake up... 

today. today. today. today

Hrm... thinking a lot these days... maybe ordering some pizza with trey and meggagiggles. thinking about pregaming then heading over to dugan's for a shindig. i havent touched a comp or my phone until now today.  its been a real green day. yea....

( Pretentious Bullshit )

so im laying her on the couch at tri dyke, drunk, kinda tired, and thinking a lot.
a year ago today, i was in love. it was a perfect love, or i honestly thought so at the time. it sometimes feels real weird to be around her and not be together with her. she said to me last night that iw as the only relationship she has had that she didnt regret. i dont know how that made me feel, but evoked crying.
since the demise of that relationship, i have slutted around my fair share, but only slept with two people that i dont regret. its sad, i think. one because it was honestly the most amazing honest to god love making of my adult life, and the other because there is no use regretting drunken fun between friends.
i can feel my liver hating me right now, or is that my spleen? idk one of those organs.
this living room is so quiet minus the low drone of claire snores, which is more lullingly rhythmic than annoying. like a bob dylan song.
meg just left with lee, it was a small crew, but i feel tonight was a good night.
its weird. i miss being in a love filled relationship, but i really havent actively persued such a romance yet. there is an "apple of my eye" as Gram would put it, but that is impossible to attain. i guess i am kind of in a relationship, but i think im going to have a conversation tomorow to end it. im not ready for that kind of a relationship at all. or at least not with that person. it feels too rushed, and that never ends well.
i feel like i am peeing.... im not peeing.
i do however have an albus cat in my life right now. which makes me happy. i kinda want more pickles, but im kinda sleepy too. i hop megan is ok. i love her so much and worry about her sometimes.
megan got accpeted to boner town, and that makes me so happy. we can share that special livejournal connection now. its so cute and gay, like verything else meg and i do. lol
ok... im gonna go grab a pickle and sleep it off i think. goodnight, thn darling

He told me he loves me tonight.

today was such and amazing day.
My family and I went to the warhol museum.  the Vader exhibit was amazing.
we had a party at my gram's.
Gram broke out the family photos. Pics from like the 70s and from her wedding 55 years ago.
My gram was gorgeous

She was 23 when she got married. She said she still has that dress upstairs in the storage cupboard.
It was a really good night.
I have a lot of peace inside of me right now.

we are all very awkward people, but i love my family

My last post was about how i might be moving back up to Clarion.
I am only friends with lik 3 or 4 people in clarion on LJ.
somehow, large quantities of people knew this... I am baffled.
if someone can explain this to me, plz do

also, I've heard that I am getting back together with my ex...
This is false.
(just wanted to clear that up)


Today, I met Cayden Robert

6lbs 10oz
20.5 inches

so i was offered a place to live in clarion, rent free for a while. I'm going to take it. I'm moving up there next weekend. I have to clean and pack up my bedroom at home in a week. I think I can do it. There isn't really much here. I'll start putting in job applications as soon as i get there. I think I'm going to take out my piercing too, to make myself more marketable. I'd be moving in with Emily and Kelli. No rent, just clean the house and cook for them I guess. Live-in maid style. Its whatever, I've taken care of people I like less. I don't think it will be too bad at all. I mean, I can hang out with my friends and stuff, but have my own bed to crash in at night.

Am I doing the right thing?

home is an interesting concept. im doing the usual hate everything hang out in my cell of a room type thing that i do so well. ive started cleaning and packing, but where im going i have no clue. i put in some job applications in clarion. i've got my fingers crossed and im hoping for the best. if not there are other places i can disapear to for a while. with the rapid approach of my hitting the two decade mark, i've been doing a lot of thinking. am i where i wanted to be at this point? no. im no where close. am i okay with this? yes. i need to get out of this town, thats the only problem. the town itself is a cage. i cant do shit here.
in exciting news, uncle bill got arrested. aren't i the one who is supposed to be abusing substances? you'd think someone'd out grow it by the time they hit 50... whatever.
people are just dissapointing me more and more these days. i cant seem to hand out the slightest inkling of trust without it slapping me in the face.
o, my aunts, how little they know about me. one thought i was turning 18, the other that i was turning 21. she asked what kind of liquor i wanted for my birthday. i should have just told her Jack to see what happened. I could use a shot about now.
see i go from every day substance use in clarion to being virtually clean here. that is a hard transition on my body and mind. every time im stressing i go to pull out a cigarette and good lord, i'd kill for some green. its spring, people, it should be friggin abundant! i need to go hit up some shady boys (i swear this has been one of my most common activities in my life).
i ate pickles today. i hate pickles! hate hatehate pickles. and yet i required them. i left the house for the singular purpose of buying pickles. FML.
brianna is due any day now. i told her to make sure to pop out Caden on Tuesday. lol. she is so cute and pregnant. she is so terrifed to be a mom.  i've loved that betch since we were 8.  weird
i may sleep now.
i leave you with a memory...

i finally got a much needed youtube account. i am slowly going through and uploading a bunch of videos, most of which are worth a good giggl or a fond sigh.

clarion was a great time, fo riz

im heading back to the BC today
excitement: i think not
i hate being a life force in between
i really hate being a force in between

i just want a residence in clarion
a job
and some occasional greens
that's all i really require for living

i turn 20 in 10 damn days.
you'd think at this point in my life i could figure out how not to be a fuck up.
that i could make a good choice and have a residence that isn't with mum and dad
i just need out of the BC.
more than just out of the BC
out of the BC for good
well at least for more than 3 weeks at a time

i am so tired of my limbs hating me
last night i swear my arms just decided to go numb  for what seemed like forever. i hate this. complete bullshit. thats what this goddamn disease is. complete bullshit. i'm so tired of this. i'll be back at my parents' house soon. and then everything will be well still hellish but a diffrerent kind of hellish.

im so over this all.
im over my parents being the definition of disfunctional
im over being without an address in clarion
i always feel like im just in the way or like this town did so much growing without me
it fucking blows like hardcore
i hate when i believe in people and they dont come through
im so over dad
the zed scene was pretty beat tonight. like im pretty sure even zack was bored
it is interesting the way these things work out
everything winds up with these beautiful impure connections that still linger with just a touch of awkward
its so god damn interwoven
we've all fallen in to the same cycle
we all know it
only like three people have broken themselves from this pattern
i am not even here half the time and im still ingrained in it
weird

so talk about crazy weeks, right.
monday and tuesday i spent with kel, catching up on naps and enjoying a particular part of nature.
wednesday mary pappy and i drove out to state college where we met up with meg. we hit up a hooka bar and some other fun times. including a cameo by Shane. who is um... a total badass. yea...
the rest of wednesday and thursday (spent in waynesboro) were basically naked party time. with some awesome moments on a "high" rock and a playground. (have i ever mentioned that i love to swing?)
friday was a cosmic glorious day. dead mice, a waltz through the park, more swings, a musical, and an epic car ride does indeed an adventure make.
saturday was meh. but still awesomeness. gettsburg, right? <3
yesterday was cools too. i forgot how much i love hearing people read their own shit with the gut clenching vigor that agent has about him. it was nice to see sammi, but she seems so sad. i know what being caged up is. poor girl doesnt even have internets to keep her company. and him, well he is so much different. kinda like a shell of the person i was friends with. poor kid.
as of now; i am chillin at claire's with a sleeping mary whilst meg and paps get foods. im nursing some vampiric wounds to my neck and contemplating if i made a good choice or not... only time will tell i guess. im not quite sure when or how im geting home. meg said she doesnt think her car is up to it. mary's car is down and out. i'll talk to z.spencer and see if i can find a ride home that doesnt conflict with his mcjob, i guess.
twas a good week, das fo sho

my life = boring!

therefore, i've been all about fancst/casttv/hulu (i've watched the entire second season of Buffy, and the entire third season of Veronica Mars) and well lets face it ontd_anas/ohnotheydidnt/bonertown (things that in general make me smile, and which i owe to Steve Dugan)
oh good lord.

my aunt gee gee's cat is dead. Boo Kitty, who lived at gram's for over a decade. Boo Kitty had stomach and intestinal cancer and is now deceased.

Aaron's musical is tonight. Its Kara's last show, and Emily's too.  Oh the bittersweet memories. Its The Music Man, which sucks, but its a musical, so it cant be horrid. Also, this involves my brother, singing and dancing in makeup... yea, I'm bringing a camera. <3

Brianna's baby shower is next Saturday. OMG, i love buying baby stuff. She and i have a play date scheduled for the middle of this week.

also, new meds make me sleepy and rather lathargic.

i started reading again. like real reading. well i reread my Mirror (lawl), trying to get back to the root of it all. trying to find out who i am, what i want to be, you know. its weird. i feel all smart again. i am really good at education, man. why did i depart from it? what turned me off about becoming a teacher? what turned me on to it? OMG OMG OMG, i need a good hard Megan chat, i think. or something similar too.

ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble drink

Clarion.
Clarion was just what I needed and nothing like I ever expect. I had the conversations I needed to have to get my head in check. I was at the places i needed to be in. I really miss that town. It kinda feels like I don't really belong there as much as I used to, but at the end of each day, it still felt like home. 
I poured myself into a bottle the first couple nights, because, well, I needed it. *insert memory of saddest Valentine's day picture ever* The soaring of the greens, was what I really needed, though. It makes my whole body feel sound again. It makes my limbs stop hurting and releases my mind.
The open mike, Thursday, was awesome. I had forgotten how good it felt to read my own words. I needed that kick. I did a lot of writing and a lot of reading (though very little homework).
The ZEd scene was just as I remember, except for the lack of two of the general population. It was a little weird, them not being there, sitting on the living room mattress and being bizare as hell. Pappy was kind enough to unintentionally fill the You're in Maya void, but he can't really bust out a Mr. Tamborine Man as per the other usual residents.
Yesterday was an adventue, full of zombies and looking for signs that said Airport. It took 7 hours to get from Clarion to Midland, but it was so worth it.
Meg and I took a walk this morning through the town of and the woods out, in, and behind Glasgow. It was awesome. Sitting on the hill this morning, looking out at what I generally call home, I realized a lot. So many things clicked in my head, it was prety weird.
I got my hair cut today, which is the icing on the cake of a week of hair changes. (What color are you dying your hair? THE COLOR AWESOME!) Its now really pink in the front, a lot shorter, and mostly blonde with brownish red tips. Its pretty badass.
My glands are so swollen. Kelli told me via text that she has mono again. I really, really hope I don't have it again too. I'm all fevery. She and I shared a smoke last Saturday. Would it take that long for Mono to kick in? Or am I being a hypocondriac? After everything I've been through with that woman, did she leave me mono as a final parting gift? I can't imagine how I thought I could handle being with her again. I really don't think I could subject myself to that.
I'm gonna go watching some X-Men cartoons and drift off for a bit.

the universe revives
shadows of
emotings past
floating free
and radically
across a
puddle-dotted
mapped out soul.

if i had thoughts free of suppression
they would scream
how beautiful i feel lying next to you

dusted over emotions
lost in a sea of straub greens
man, greens.

calm rush over me
cry to the borders
rush me now
rush me like the sands
ice between my toes, girl.

snapshot paradise
one single flash
of that brilliant flush

oceans expire in your grasp
you are a glacier woman

create my soul from fire
make me in the image of a tree
organic to the core

its just a
concept of illusion.
what makes a
butterfly
get stuck in a stomach?
what the hell
is a
butterfly
doing there anyway?

but the universe self corrects a-
can things really go in reverse?
but the universe self corrects and
butterflies become spiders

grief is a penetrating force
it rapes you when you least expect it
shrinking into the shaddows
watching
waiting
then defiles you in broad day light

a tendency towards chaos
a tendency towards distruction

soft outlines are beautiful
but they lead down a rough road

words are interesting
the way they dance around me
the way the free flow from people's mouthes...

i love words

at claire's
megan
mary
pappy
me
smoking
drinking
dying hair
hell yea!

a soul half empty a soul refilled.
how can people repeatedly pour the broken fragments of whats left of their souls into another? how can we be ok with this? we do it agan and again, each time having less of ourselves.

unlie
untruth
unthink
undesire

uncreate sounds a hell of a lot better than destroy.

so i woke up at the asscrack of dawn for this stupid thing at the hospital.  i had to run aronud like mad last night finding a piercing studio to change out my ring to something plastic for the procedure.  good news: i have no more bad cells in my esophagus! i couldnt be happier! i cried when the doctor told me, and then i told him i liked elephants. (ansestesia makes me infantile).  its been an alright day so far. 

Everything is spinning, and I'm spinning too.

Its a wheel. Its all a wheel, spinning in the sky.

I'm trying this relationship thing again. I hope I'm not making a mistake, I hope I'm setting things right.

The 14th is St. Cyril St. Methodius and St. Valentine.  St. Cyril is my favorite.

Ed says greenhorn. I say yo. Anhka says me meow.  I say peace. Gaston says you smell. I say love. Curly says Nyoink. I say alright.

I was sad yesterday so i took off my shoes and walked in the mud. It felt glorious. It felt beautiful. It felt like my soul was being recharged through my soles.

My powerchord blew out again. I should have a new one by Wednesday. I should be in Clarion by Saturday if not sooner. I'm using "Dyka Dyka Dyka" as my temporary base of operations, I believe.

Boys who write poems are pretty cool dudes. I reconnected with one of those the other day, made me smile. Maybe Western wasn't such a terrible place.

 No Clarion for me this weekend. Its rather disapointing. Sanity is something I could really use right now. I went with Bri Lynn her to her Dr's apt yesterday because I guess her bf was being a butthead or something rather.  Fetus heartbeats are probably the cutest rythmic noise ever. Becky has some master plan for getting me to Clarion of a week or so sometimes soon... Hopefully it pans out. When I'm home my parents treat me like i'm 16 again. Its rather annoying. They don't seem to understand that yea, my classes are online, but they still need as much time as in class classes. As far as matters of the heart, I'm not exactly sure if the choices I'm making theses days are the right ones, but I've started down a road that I'm going to follow, at least for a while. I actually was so fed up with all the crap, I called my Aunt Gee Gee last night for another view point. She brought up some good points that I hadn't considered. I can't do logic when it comes to this kind of stuff. I let my emotions take over. One of my coworkers from cogo's died yesterday. I am really getting tired of going to a funeral like every two weeks. (R.I.P AJ Juarez)  I have a procedure scheduled for Tuesday morning, and I think they are knocking me out for this one. I really don't like Dr. Moskowitz, he is really condasending and has Donald Trump hair. He is a meany jerkface.  After Tuesday I don't have any more doctor's apointments until March *fingers crossed* That is a cause of major excitement. Mom's birthday is Sunday, so i have to figure out something there.  Ah, and now for some Super Mario Brother 3...

She looked was cleaning her room for the first time in months. Dusting those hard to reach shelves, she knocked something on to the floor. It shattered on impact, and the formaldehyde rushed over her carpeting, glass shards sticking to her now wet socks. And there in the middle of her green carpet, lay a convulsing fragment of heart she had forgotten she owned. She picked up the lid of the now broken jar and read the label, “silly little heart of a silly little girl.”  The little piece of heart gave is final burst, and then silenced itself. She swept it up, along with the glass fragments, and threw it out with the rest of the trash. 

So chances are high (barring significant snow fall) that i shall be in the land that i love (i.e. Clarion) this weekend. a brief engagment, but a much needed one.

Wal Mart insense smells like ass! For serious!
Today i feel like a heartstring guitar, playing like a stone though a tailspin wind gust, force forward, face value negated.
I'm thrown around senselessly and rather over strummed. I'm just so worn out.
I had the weirdest dreams last night.
Devon Farris is my favorite princess. I'm proud to be her white knight. (even though i dont really like horses)
So this god damned neurologist stuck pins in the muscles of like all my limbs, and shocked the crap out of them too...
meh. i mean, it could have been worse.
Treeflower has just introduced me to a beautiful thing called pandora.com. i might be in love.
oh well, back to ancient greeks...


in addition....


i haven't thought about this stuff in a long time. its been months. its a strangly familiar feeling. i dont nessisarily like it, but i know its nessisary. goodness, sometimes the moments where eyes are opened to clear vision are just so randomly placed.   idk.....    i really dont

Clinical outrage

 

Novice hearts stand forgotten,

Shivering from head to toe.

 

Giggling merrily,

At the sound of convulsions,

The sound of Dignity hitting the floor,

Again and again.

 

Staggering silence

Dignity lay still,

Broken,

A changed man,

Attempting to regain composure.

Climbing tenderly,

First to his knees,

Where he lingers pitifully,

For just slightly too long of a moment.

Then slowly rises,

Standing, covered in the bruises of shame.

Marked with disgrace,

For all to see this,

Violence of the mind,

Echoing deep but not too loud.

 

Here lies the consequence.

Here lies the means of destruction,

Regeneration, indignation,

Plainly spoken devastation,

Battle cries of the warped and widowed.

 

Dignity was that last line of defense,

For the all-but-hopeless,

Grossly distorted, heartsick

Used-to-be-lovebirds

 

Their hero now fallen,

Where have the heartsick to turn for comfort?

I WISH MY HANDS WORKED! GOD DAMN THIS WITHERING LIFE OF MINE!

i get so mad at myself for being sick. i wish i was stronger than this. it really makes me feel pathetic.

i hate being this pathetic!

It’s sad and beautiful the way everything ends up

Connections, impure.

 

There is such an intense sorrow

When I linger-glance

Across brilliantly iced eyes

 

Process of creation, of

Evolution expressly outlined

In your smile

 

When eyes collide,

Words fall apart.

 

Stop

Time tock beat clock

Master, undefiled

Render helpless

Attachment unwanted,

Unattained, in truth

 

Harsh outlined U-turn sideways,

Against a backpedaling, cross dressing, beastly heart

 

A minor detail,

Child hearts soar,

But damn do they grow up quick

 

Creation expressed in the

Mass manufactured,

Rarely revealed

Smiles

 

Drifts and drifts

Banks of tundra-ed heats

 

Angel smiles have a strange effect

On weary travelers souls

 

Ice eyes burned permanent memories

Onto canvas hearts

 

Why are real,

Fired-eyed smiles so rare?

Fire eyes are so much more becoming

 

Inkblot message bottles

Wonder, I do wonder

 

There is a difference between making and creating

One takes passion

The other just takes time

You are pure creation

I stand created in your shadowy wake

Giggling merrily

 

A silly little heart,

Barely beating.

so, i went on a forever long waltz through the woods today. found a really pretty half frozen crick.

my hands have been freezing up really bad the past couple days. they feel like they are just big solid bruises, but they look super pale. i have another doctor's apointment friday. this is just really annoying.

good lord, i feel like there are far too many hours in a day.

whatever...

look at this pic of the forementioned crick!

clarion was fun.
i had a blast.
im glad to be home.

i basically had a green week,
and went on all sorts of adventures.

it was weird.
i feel really disconnected.
it kinda sucks.

idk really how to describe it.
some of my friends were really awesome to chill with,
others were all kinds of fucked up.
(and a shout out to my newest livejournal stalker, "hi, jerry.")

people who were, will never be again, but they can be something else... maybe... idk, i make bad choices. i made a good choice, i'm sure of it.
right?